Trying to find a balance...isn't everybody?

So I'm trying to figure out what I should discuss. People try and make everything that comes out of there mouth so perfect, or at least it seems that way. We try to make everything organized and perfect but hell, who are you trying to fool? Our lives get messy, our lives may seem organized on the outside but on the inside ewe all have stuff going on. Stuff thats here, stuff thats here, but hey you, yeah you , pay attention to now. So when do we have time to focus on that stuff? How do we sort through all our nonsense and insanity. People go to friends, people go to therapists, people go to drugs, people go to religion, and some some just repress it and ignore it as if there is nothing wrong.

After my mom passed away I did everything to ignore what was happening and what had happened in my life. I remember when I was younger that I couldn't fully understand what was happening to me, but I just chose not to. I didn't want understand what was going on. I was not in a good place mentally. I filled the gaps of my life with lust and depression. I tried forcing myself into society but that only resulted in embarrassment and insults created by others. I quickly began to feel my alone time with addictions to lust and pornography. It gave me a sense of belonging and a sense of comfort. All we want as humans is that sense of importance and belonging. Comfort and affirmation are closely associated with this also. I had my adopted brothers that I lived for three years after my mom passed, but they couldn't relate and honestly I couldn't even tell them what I felt at the time. My dad was a working man, doing everything he could to make ends meet. Sometimes working sixty hours a week so I didn't open up to him often and when I did I just wanted to love on him and make him happy, not bring him down by talking about my nonsense. Don't get me wrong, my dad and I are so close now and he knows everything there is to know about me, but at the time he was hurting and he had a lot of pride and didn't like to show it so I just let him be. This part of my life is missing many parts ,but overall in this period of my life I just tried to pretend that things were fine and everything was "whatever". I didn't know how to be real at the time anyways.

Ive tried the drug thing, but I've quickly realized that I always end up abusing drugs and/or alcohol. Basically you may cloud your mind and forget your problems for a night or for a period of time, but eventually your going to wake up, whether its literally waking up or mentally waking up, either way when it happens you realize all your problems are still there and it slaps you in the face and makes you feel like crap. This usually leads to a cycle. Which is why people get addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. They don't want to feel that "wake up" feeling so they just keep doing the drugs or they keep drinking more alcohol. Is it really worth it? But that's a whole different story.

I aspire to be a christian and I've quickly learned that my generation in society and the ones that call themselves Christians take offense when I put Christianity and religion in the same sentence. I understand why these people take offense to this. Christianity, at least how we see it, is a lifestyle more than a religion. Religion usually comes with a set of rules, you have do's and do nots. Its a very complicated subject but this is where I try and put all my crap, all of the parts of my messy torn up life. I try and give myself up and trust that the one who made me, the one who rules over the universe, can take all of whats going on in my life and turn it all into something productive and into something good.

This all takes commitment. It takes commitment to yourself to not be in self denial with the world. It takes commitment to your body to not put yourself through drug addiction and it takes effort to drop what your doing an acknowledge that you can't do it on your own and that God can. All this and more takes devotion and energy. What is it worth to you?

Starting this thing off I guess

Well hello all of maybe one person that may be reading this, but hey you never know...I could be famous someday. Well let me just get right in the thick of it I guess; who cares about introductions anyways? Life is hard, everybody has problems, but God has blessed with me with many people to help me overcome these obstacles. Speaking of God, yeah me and him are still working things out. I can see a day where me and him are pretty close. I know he loves me so much...Im trying to get to that same level with him. But so yeah I have given up on Facebook and I just need to get my thoughts out so this was the next best thing. I know I don't have any friends on this stupid thing and sure its not as cool as Facebook or that twitter thing, but hey it works for me. I know God is reading it so maybe it will help get my thoughts out so I can clearly see them. Its funny how that works sometimes. Like when you talk to people, things start to come out that you didn't initially realize yourself. So I'm not talking to a person! This beastly Mac will have to suffice for now. So yeah like i was saying Ive got my problems. I've got problems with school, finances, women, life, my spirit, and of course the whole relationship with God thing.

To summarize these aspects of my problematic world let me begin with school. So I'm on academic probation and Ive had my chances to do well in school but I pass them up...constantly. So this semester I need to pull it together! Like no flipping joke man! Im retaking 2 classes currently and I'm taking 2 more that shouldn't be too difficult. All ya gotta do is apply yourself and don't procrastinate! So yeah Ive bombed one sociology test, rarely failed a science test, got a B on my history test and I'm not sure what the status is on the other class, but Im sure its not a A. So yeah the next lineup of tests are coming up in a couple weeks. Lets see if I can do something different.

Ok so next is finances! Yay, doesn't everybody just love working to find out that your entire paycheck just got a Chuck Norris style roundhouse kick to the face! BAM! Sadness usually follows this but hey I don't let this get me down. Screw Chuck Norris and his awesomeness. Money isn't everything because God will provide no matter what right? Yes! So yeah I got fired from Wendys back in June and yeah I kinda needed the $450 that it brought into my handy dandy bank account but like I said, God provides. Im now living for free with a host family from a church I used to volunteer at. This family has done so much beyond the norm. They have pureed into me more ways than even I understand. Its just God, thats all I can say. So now I have a car that doesn't sound like its going to have a stroke, a car that this family donated to me. So mechanic expenses are gone, rent expenses are gone, and my other expenses are dope cheap. So basically my income drops from almost a grand to $350 but hey like I said, God will make a way and provide. It just so happens that when I got fired that I had just enough to pay my lasts months rent and then i was good. All i can say from all this random rambling is that God is good and things will workout.

Ok now we got women. Lets just say that I'm a real charmer when girls get to know me. Girls always feels safe around me, they confide in me, and I pour into them to try and help them. This being all well and good, there still is the problem of these relationships getting to close. Meaning I will get attached to one of these girls and the same happens with her. Physical things usually occur or begin to occur at this point which if your thinking clearly you would know that this is not a healthy relationship. Currently Ive just ripped myself away from a girl that I was close too only because of the distorted intimacy it was creating with all the sexual activity I was having with this girl. Just like this girl the same thing happened with the girl before her and the girl before her. So yeah I have bad luck in this area of my life. I just need to grow spiritually and let this area of my life be. I struggle with lust in huge ways and this is just what the devil longs for me to keep doing.

Ok to wrap this up because the spirit sector of my life is just so drawn out. I love God. But sometimes, actually often I fight him and/or ignore him. I go and do my own thing, live my life my way and try and make my own way and well it just doesn't work at all. I always crash and burn. You will learn more about this if you continue to read.

Thanks to all who follow me, I really appreciate any feedback. Shoot me an email or comment if you have something worth saying. I need leadership in all areas of my life. Please I welcome it! Thanks!