Trying to find a balance...isn't everybody?

So I'm trying to figure out what I should discuss. People try and make everything that comes out of there mouth so perfect, or at least it seems that way. We try to make everything organized and perfect but hell, who are you trying to fool? Our lives get messy, our lives may seem organized on the outside but on the inside ewe all have stuff going on. Stuff thats here, stuff thats here, but hey you, yeah you , pay attention to now. So when do we have time to focus on that stuff? How do we sort through all our nonsense and insanity. People go to friends, people go to therapists, people go to drugs, people go to religion, and some some just repress it and ignore it as if there is nothing wrong.

After my mom passed away I did everything to ignore what was happening and what had happened in my life. I remember when I was younger that I couldn't fully understand what was happening to me, but I just chose not to. I didn't want understand what was going on. I was not in a good place mentally. I filled the gaps of my life with lust and depression. I tried forcing myself into society but that only resulted in embarrassment and insults created by others. I quickly began to feel my alone time with addictions to lust and pornography. It gave me a sense of belonging and a sense of comfort. All we want as humans is that sense of importance and belonging. Comfort and affirmation are closely associated with this also. I had my adopted brothers that I lived for three years after my mom passed, but they couldn't relate and honestly I couldn't even tell them what I felt at the time. My dad was a working man, doing everything he could to make ends meet. Sometimes working sixty hours a week so I didn't open up to him often and when I did I just wanted to love on him and make him happy, not bring him down by talking about my nonsense. Don't get me wrong, my dad and I are so close now and he knows everything there is to know about me, but at the time he was hurting and he had a lot of pride and didn't like to show it so I just let him be. This part of my life is missing many parts ,but overall in this period of my life I just tried to pretend that things were fine and everything was "whatever". I didn't know how to be real at the time anyways.

Ive tried the drug thing, but I've quickly realized that I always end up abusing drugs and/or alcohol. Basically you may cloud your mind and forget your problems for a night or for a period of time, but eventually your going to wake up, whether its literally waking up or mentally waking up, either way when it happens you realize all your problems are still there and it slaps you in the face and makes you feel like crap. This usually leads to a cycle. Which is why people get addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. They don't want to feel that "wake up" feeling so they just keep doing the drugs or they keep drinking more alcohol. Is it really worth it? But that's a whole different story.

I aspire to be a christian and I've quickly learned that my generation in society and the ones that call themselves Christians take offense when I put Christianity and religion in the same sentence. I understand why these people take offense to this. Christianity, at least how we see it, is a lifestyle more than a religion. Religion usually comes with a set of rules, you have do's and do nots. Its a very complicated subject but this is where I try and put all my crap, all of the parts of my messy torn up life. I try and give myself up and trust that the one who made me, the one who rules over the universe, can take all of whats going on in my life and turn it all into something productive and into something good.

This all takes commitment. It takes commitment to yourself to not be in self denial with the world. It takes commitment to your body to not put yourself through drug addiction and it takes effort to drop what your doing an acknowledge that you can't do it on your own and that God can. All this and more takes devotion and energy. What is it worth to you?